Self-love may seem intangible or elusive because it doesn’t just manifest itself in our brains by repeating affirmations. Self-love needs to be felt viscerally in our bodies, in order to have a foundation for deep healing and long-lasting change.
In my experience, self-love is misunderstood and underestimated. Many people believe self-love requires protecting their energy, dodging negative people or situations, focusing on mantras or balls of light to help instill peace, or rising above all the things that we just don’t love. And others believe that self-love is simply impractical, intangible or hokey.
In my experience, self-love is none of those things.
After years of treating my erogenous pleasure like a 3rd class citizen and deeply believing that love and pleasure are hard work, which led me through years of being a workaholic and a self-help junkie, thinking that I needed to work hard for work and for both pleasure and love, I finally was privy to the profound lesson which led me to my mission as a messenger for the real deal Self Love.
I learned that no matter how much “work” you do on yourself, or on your relationship, the simple fact is that prioritizing any kind of work, and under-prioritizing pleasure leads to the default of needing to be in control by focusing on fixing yourself to tame a sense of unsettled unease… aka anxiety… or to tame the haunting thought that there’s something wrong with you… aka shame. And that’s the brick wall that gets in the way of building trusting relationships, as well as to surrendering to unleashed orgasms.
The problem is, we live in a society that values ‘hard work’, and has revered ideals about what we need to be and do, to be successful and loved. The ‘hard work’ syndrome is exacerbated by the need for women to to prove their worth and equality over generations. To add to that, our sexual energy is directly related to our primal need to survive. And if we’re constantly focused on work to create a sense of security for ourselves, it increases the belief that we’re not ‘ok’ just as we are, and our sexual energy and desire shuts down. So it’s not surprising that the divorce rate in relationships where at least one person is classified as a workaholic is 55%.
Working hard for love and for pleasure isn’t any different. Being driven by the notion that we’re never enough just as we are, pushes us toward self-help or therapy to reach self-love, and to work harder on ourselves. With all the proclamations about what we need to do to love ourselves, it’s difficult to know how to be content just as we are so we can receive the pleasure and love that’s right in front us.
This is why connecting to your sensuality is one of the most powerful catalysts to understanding and cultivating self-love at the deepest visceral level. Being able to include sensual fulfillment as a way of being and feeling love in every cell of your body, instead chasing self-love or any kind of love, is the remedy for curing the “work hard” syndrome that’s activated from the anxiety, insecurity and shame of not being enough.
Consciously connecting to your sensuality to deeply reinforce a deservingness for pleasure, without having to work hard, is revolutionary because we can’t change our minds, on the level of our minds. If that were possible, wouldn’t we all just change our minds and do whatever we wanted to do? Like fall in love? Or have a multi-orgasm? Or simply stop suffering?
Any long-lasting healing or change needs to happen at a cellular level. Otherwise, our bodies will continue to hold onto the coding that sends those whispering thoughts to our brains, “You’re not enough”, “You need to do more” and “You need to work harder”, and the old patterns of doing more and working harder for love, security, joy, or bliss will persist.
If you want to know 5 secrets for how to revolutionize your own self-love by connecting to your sensual sweet spot… read on!
1st secret to your Sweet Spot: Focus on pleasing yourself
When you you give yourself permission to experience pleasurable things, you let go of trying to do more, give more and be more. You release the focus on pleasing others, and you start to learn how to please yourself. And that’s the heart of self-love.
When you please yourself, you hone your focus on loving yourself. Click To Tweet
And when you trust yourself more with your own pleasure, it’s easier to let go of putting tension into controling your work, your relationships and your sex life.
Letting go of control and trusting in yourself is the key to deeper self-love.
The quest for pleasure is far from a debaucherous pursuit. The assumption that connecting to our sensuality is a lascivious indulgence, or that connecting with our sensuality deliberately assumes being sexually racy or prurient (aka encouraging an excessive interest in sexual matters), is one that I’m passionate about breaking down. That hedonistic stigma reinforces a guilty block towards connecting to our sensuality with love, to heal negative thoughts about ourselves, our bodies and our lives. However, if we could approach our sensual and sexual bodies with the intention of giving ourselves permission for pleasure, the permission to feel love in each of our cells, we affirm that we are worthy of pleasure without being indulgent or escaping into sex in order to prove our worth.
I’m not suggesting that engaging with your sensuality and pleasure is an escape to fulfill a part of yourself that feels “not enough”, which can turn into the unhealthy pattern of addiction, or filling your sense of self-worth through sexual experiences with others, but rather I’m encouraging this as a personal practice to consciously invite more love for yourself into your cells to reprogram the belief that you need to work hard for pleasure, love or joy.
The sacred permission of allowing yourself more pleasure is to unfurl and breathe in the world as a beautifully unique expression of yourself. And when you can connect to your sensuality to feel oneness with yourself, you start to trust yourself and your body enough to let go fully in the presence of another. That’s freedom. That’s love. That’s trust. It’s self-love to the highest degree.
2nd secret to your Sweet Spot: Slow down and feel
When you hit “pause” and let yourself receive pleasure, you come closer to the golden bridge of trusting the most intuitive part of yourself, and you let go of all the “holding yourself together” and “forging onward.”
Go ahead. You’re allowed. Hit “pause” on your life for just a moment.
When you slow down, you get more connected to your emotions, instead of pushing your emotions down by keeping busy or by keeping your focus on what others need.“Sex is always about emotions. Good sex is about free emotions; bad sex is about blocked emotions.” ~ Deepak Chopra Click To Tweet
Trusting what you’re feeling and how your body feels will allow your body to open to more pleasure, but first you need to slow down and listen.
Why is it important to focus on allowing more pleasure into your body by feeling your emotions?
If you don’t consciously focus on allowing pleasure into your body, you stay stagnant in putting a ceiling on the amount of pleasure that you believe you’re capable of or deserving of. When you open up to more pleasure in your body, you’re also opening up to your capacity to receive more love in your life, because your cells open up and start converting the “not enough” / “work harder” messages to “bliss, fulfilled, joy” messages.
3rd secret to your Sweet Spot: Make requests
My devotion to nurturing my relationship with myself through pleasure led me to try something that I never could have imagined existed. It led me to something called “OMing” aka Orgasmic Meditation, which reinforced the next few secrets.
OMing is a partnered practice that focuses unilaterally on pleasuring the clitoris for exactly 15 minutes. Here’s to Continuing Education!
The woman lies down, and the stroker (could be a man or a woman) strokes the receiver’s clitoris with very intuitive movements through their index finger, either up or down, faster or slower, more pressure or less pressure, to the left or to the right. The guidelines of these specific requests in the OMing practice are to promote clear communication between the giver and the receiver, and fosters presence and connection.
Whenever the receiver makes a request: “faster, slower, up, down, less pressure, more pressure, to the left or to the right” the stroker says “Thank you.” This confirms that the receiver’s responsibility is to communicate what she needs for pleasure, and validates the giver’s sensitivity and intuitive motion in his/her finger.
That in and of itself is a pretty sensational thing. It completely takes the guesswork out of “how to convey erogenous needs” without offending, discouraging or killing the moment.
It also gives the receiver permission to experiment with making requests—especially if they might not know exactly what they need.
Making requests leads to possibility. Click To Tweet
Particularly when making requests when you’re open, vulnerable and exposed with the full attention on you, without having to do or work at anything, you can see how this translates into life—communicating what we need from our partners or from anyone—puts “healthy habits” into place.
Back to the clitoris.
Unless the clitoris is stimulated for at least 15 minutes effectively prior to penetration, not only is it rare that we can reach climax from penetration alone, but the full pleasure and sensation of intercourse that our bodies are capable of will be lost. (Men PLEASE take note!) In short, the old cliché that ‘women tend to like more foreplay’ is not a cliché. It’s a biological need to reach greater echelons of pleasure.
Now, while you might see this guided sensual interplay as a clinical or quirky way to approach a deep and satisfying connection with your partner, here’s the thing—when you have the context and agreement between you, it allows you to relax deeper into being in the moment and connecting with each other, and it softens the attachment to having an orgasm or wanting to let go.
4th secret to your Sweet Spot:
Relax into your arousal, instead of reacting to it
After hiring a coach to privately teach the OMing practice to my lover and I, I discovered a profound distinction in my sensual habits.
Each time I started to get aroused, I felt myself voluntarily wanting to stir my hips. Since the purpose of the practice is also set up to allow the woman to deeply relax and receive, I was told to try to relax into the sensation instead of stirring my hips as I normally would do voluntarily.
When I let my hips relax, instead of moving in response to the arousal, I felt my pelvis open up. Immediately after relaxing into the arousal, I felt an emotional rush flow through my body.
The feeling that I was being taking care of and didn’t have to do anything, stimulated deep relief, a spurt of tears, and a rush of pins and needle energy sizzled through my body.
Through this exchange, I felt deeply safe to “not have to hold myself together”, not having to work at all or put any energy into receiving. And that little gateway that opened let the emotions swell through my body, so that I was able to let go physically.
How many times are we in that situation? To be vulnerable enough to have all the focus on us, and our only job is to let ourselves be taken care of fully and completely?
I felt nothing but profound gratitude for my lover.
When you focus on receiving, it allows you to relax. Click To Tweet
5th secret to your Sweet Spot: Trust that you’ll be taken care of
We always have the choice to let ourselves be taken care of in every moment. But with all of the conditionings around holding ourselves together, being driven towards achieving our desired feelings, even in pleasurable settings, that simple choice is not always obvious.
Orgasm results from the meeting of voluntary and involuntary movement.
I realized that my voluntary movement is often in overdrive (same as in life!), which leaves little room for the involuntary movements to weave their way in and allow for orgasm.
The most incredible part of this practice of relaxing into receiving pleasure was that it allowed me to experience an internal orgasm. After my emotions unleashed, an arpeggio of muscles released, and instead of feeling a physical orgasm for a few seconds, I felt an internal orgasm for about an hour.
Above all, it took very little intensity. Especially with passionate sex, unless we take the specific initiative to receive and relax, the letting go emotionally in tandem with the physical let go won’t have a chance.
This made me understand something else:
Needing, wanting and craving more stimulation and intensity is a result of the inability to relax.
The catalyst to relaxing is trusting that you'll be taken care of. Click To Tweet
Back to trust.
Our sexual expression triggers such a primal need for survival. And knowing that our needs are taken care of sets a deep sense of trust, and that everything is enough. And we stop thinking that we have to work hard for pleasure or to work hard to be loved.
By re-learning how to be loving, respecting and trusting towards ourselves, in a visceral way, we strengthen our faith in our intuition, our voices, and our bodies, and we become more loving and compassionate to others. And that’s how we can heal the world from the inside out.
It’s an inside job. And it starts with each one of us.
If you’re constantly giving, holding yourself together, and being in control in your life, when do you even have the opportunity to receive?
It’s time to set up opportunities to receive love and pleasure.
Give yourself permission to relax into arousal.
Give yourself permission to be taken care of in Love and in Life.
Know that you don’t have to do everything.
Just slow down.
Find your secret sweet spot:
© Krista Kujat
Top photo, of mask?: firstname.lastname@example.org
3rd photo, of pearls: ?elyann.tumblr.com
All other photos, are stock photography.