It’s human to want safety in your relationship, but sometimes the compulsion to take care of your partner’s feelings in order to maintain a sense comfort with them might be killing your passion.
What many people don’t know is that there’s a pleasurable and empowering way to break free from this comfort zone.
If you become more daring with your erotic desires, you can actually break the pattern of over-giving emotionally. As a result, you can achieve both deeper satisfaction sexually, and greater trust in your relationship, because you’ll feel even more free to be yourself.
Cultivating Trust with Desire
When someone tells you what they want and they’re direct about it, doesn’t it make you trust them more? You always know where they stand. You don’t need to guess what they want, or wonder if they are satisfied or not. You also never have to guess whether they are doing something out of obligation or not.
We all know what it feels like when a lover is giving us pleasure because they think they “should.” It feels full of pressure to achieve a goal instead of being naturally compelled by desire. We also know the voracious turn-on when we feel irrationally and lustfully desired without reserve. It’s hot.
As sex therapist Esther Perel says so eloquently: “Reason, understanding, compassion and camaraderie are the handmaidens of a close, harmonious relationship. But sex often evokes unreasoning obsession rather than thoughtful judgment, and selfish desire rather than altruistic consideration.”
What if you gave yourself permission to relieve yourself from being responsible for how our partner feels? And what if you brought unabashed un-coddled sexual desire to your relationship?
When the comfort level of emotional intimacy deepens, being vigilant or caring for our partner’s feelings can easily take over, and sexual desire takes a back seat to feeling safely reliable and comfortable.
While the dictionary defines codependency as excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, I’d say at the core, the root of co-dependence is the compulsion to try to take care of another person’s feelings in order to maintain a sense of security in love.
Before I got married, I had no idea what codependent meant. I thought the idea of marriage after all, was to relinquish some independence and be able to depend on someone else for the long haul, and vice versa. How could that be so bad?
I learned my lesson when scrambling to manage, navigate and take care of my ex- husband’s fits of anger. I would do all I could to calm him down, and he started to rely on my efforts to do this. Not only was I exhausted from ‘coping’ with his emotions, but I was completely detached from knowing or standing up for what I desired.
You can be considerate of your partner’s feelings by acknowledging, regarding and respecting them, but trying to take care of their feelings is exhausting because you ultimately have no control over their feelings and never will.
Taking responsibility for your partner’s feelings also kills desire because you’re focused on what they want and need instead of being tuned into what you want, need and desire.
What I’ve found consistently with guiding women to unearth their desires, is that while they all long to be loved for who they are, which everyone absolutely deserves, the ache for security in love can compel them to be hyper-vigilant of their lover’s wants, needs and desires. In turn, they’ll focus on how they can give these things to their lover, instead of focusing on what they desire.
An effective way to break this conundrum is to start to self-regulate and re-calibrate how you give in your relationship. Instead of giving from a place of ‘how can I make him or her happy or satisfied’, first ask yourself first what you desire. Then invite your partner into that desire with you.
Inviting your partner into your sexual desires is actually a generous way of revealing a true part of yourself.Sharing the unabashed erotic part of yourself may feel more edgy, but it’s also more authentic to who you are because it includes your uncensored self. Click To Tweet
While many of us are taught it’s selfish or wrong to follow through with our lustful desires, or that we’re not deserving of having what we want, the more we give ourselves permission for those desires, the more we heal that ‘undeserving’ part of ourselves, which is the part that compels us to give more emotionally.
Instead of overriding your sexual desire by giving more emotionally in order to feel comfort in your relationship, when you demand, declare, claim and ask for what your body craves in a sexual context, you’ve set the playing field, and your partner will have a clear context to respond and how to pleasure you.
This commitment to following through with your sexual desires not only keeps you honest with yourself and in your relationship, it also keeps you from losing yourself in the relationship. It offers a more honest exchange and a foundation of trust. By claiming your desires, it gives your partner more permission to respond to your desire in their own unique way, because they know exactly where you stand. And when two lovers are both giving themselves permission for their desires, it ultimately heightens the passion and naturally balances out the giving and receiving in your relationship effortlessly.