Fire girl dancing

Rage: It gets pegged as a gangster emotion that can destroy you, your opportunities and relationships, but if you just have a safe and private refuge to express anger full throttle, your rage can be your most heroic friend, defining your personal integrity.

When rage is given room to breathe, instead of shoved into denial, it’ll help you to see wounds underneath that need to be healed, and it’ll generously guide you towards cleanly engaging in a compassionate yes to yourself and an unapologetic no to someone or something that doesn’t jive with that self-compassion. Rage is your anchor to dignity, your compadre to passion and your backbone to self-loving love at all costs.

When’s the last time you felt seething rage? I mean seething.

The kind where you feel betrayed by something, someone, somewhere and it’s entirely out of your control?

What do you do when your blood boils?

Do you take the high road? You meditate. You do yoga.
Do you throw yourself into getting your shit together? 

Maybe you get shell-shocked by a bitter aftertaste when “trying to be assertive” turns into an epic vent, and you accidentally (or deliberately!) spew your corrosive elements onto your partner, your lover, the store clerk, or the AT&T rep. And maybe you tell yourself afterwards you must keep that venting under control?

Maybe when you manage to control it, you turn into a gremlin. The gremlin wears a sign around its neck that says “I’m fine”, but, meanwhile, you want to tear the house apart in uncontrollable righteousness. And then you feel either crazy or guilty for being irrational.

Or maybe you play out fantasies of redemption in your head. Recycling the rage over and over through imagined scenarios that never get redeemed.

Maybe you tell yourself it’s not worth sweating the small stuff. Focus on the bright side.
You deny the rage, but wonder how did you get so pissed at the unfairness of Life? The rage comes out in a tirade of complaints about “other people.”

But you know.

There’s something bigger lurking just below the surface of rage.

It’s an ancient rage for ALL Rage. It’s a Rage for all the times anyone has EVER betrayed, disrespected, used, abused, abandoned, rejected, or taken advantage of you. And somehow you also know that under the rage is hurt. A hurt that needs compassion, and perhaps forgiveness. So you spin yourself in circles ‘trying to love yourself’ or ‘trying to forgive’, before acknowledging or giving voice to your rage.

We need anger. To access our dignity. To access our grace. To access our truth. To access the core of our boundaries that feel good and right and true. But before we can get to that clarity, having the permission to feel the rage full throttle without lashing it onto someone else, helps to define what the clear YES to yourself is, which lives behind the NO to someone or something else. These kernels of “yes” and “no” are what define our personal integrity.

Please don’t deny your rage.

When you jump into trying to forgive, before acknowledging or expressing anger, it’s a recipe for either disaster or depression, cutting yourself off from your own power.  Sometimes, the “happy place” is giving your rage a place to go so that you can get to that next step, of cleanly communicating your hurt or deliberately making clear boundaries. And then, there’s no ‘trying to love’ or ‘trying to forgive’, it happens naturally on its own.

Rage is not crazy. Rage is not irrational. Rage is not immoral. Rage is not unhealthy.

Rage gets a bad rap in our society. Especially for women, showing anger elicits judgments as “bitchy”, “pms-ing”, “being a piece of work”, “emotional”, or “over-reacting”, and so we throw ourselves into spiritual-rising-above, telling ourselves that we’re better than our anger; we deny it and, by default, stuff it down. Deep in our cells there’s a message that if we show anger, the dread “unlovable” threat looms before us, which lures us to the unsavory thing called rejection.

When we’re taught to be ‘good girls’, rage is rarely allowed in that equation of ‘being loved’ or  ‘being good.’ In fact, rage is one of the most judged emotions in our society, because frankly, it makes people uncomfortable. Rage gets labeled as a ‘negative’ emotion, so far too many press it down, and by default start cutting themselves off from the rest of their emotions. This is why antidepressants are the third most prescribed drug in our country. When rage has no where to go, it brings you down. Way, way down.

Or, unattended anger can go in another direction. It’s the unconscious kind of anger that explodes, because it’s been repressed for so long, or there’s a wound underneath that isn’t dealt with. I’m not encouraging blasts of unconscious anger onto others, but rather, allowing your rage to be your guide in a healthy way, a way that will help to illuminate your personal integrity.

You need your rage.
Your rage is surfacing for a reason: to set yourself free.
All you need is the permission to feel it and access it in a private and safe space.

*******

So there you are.

In your car. And someone cuts you off. At last. It’s like heaven.

An exquisite arpeggio of fucker-asshole-dickhead torpedoes out of your mouth.

Your hands slam down on the steering wheel like a mad conductor.

Heaven.

In the precious capsule of your car, you send every driver directly to hell without passing go.

It feels so good.

So alive.

So right.

So true.

We need these moments.

Because when rage doesn’t have a safe corridor to walk down, it stuffs itself into little cubby holes and paralyzes your soul.

When rage has no where to go, it’s like a homeless vagabond knocking on closed doors.

Your body paralyzes itself, as repressed anger commits you into the slow death of depression, and your soul sinks into quicksand.

Denying rage is like walking into a tunnel of despair. It numbs all of your other feelings and takes all of your power away.

When you deny Rage, you start to think, what’s the point.

 The next time you feel the Rage, do yourself a favor.

Set her free.

Let her move through your blood, your cells, and your being.

Let her move through your pelvis, the center of your ability to feel safe again, despite the old age stories that accumulated once upon a time in your cells.

So you can be clear and clean and not sidestep into the passive aggressive recourse.

So you can stop being a victim, obscured and trapped by the latent energy of rage.

So you can relieve yourself from venting your toxic rambles.

So you can start to take responsibility and give yourself what you need.

So you can know what you’re saying YES to in your life.

So you can know what you’re saying NO to in your life.

Rage will give you your power back.

Respect rage.

Give her a channel.

She will give you clarity and the fire to commit to yourself.

 Let her give you courage to cut out the crap.

She will fuel your freedom.

Dance with her.

© Krista Kujat

Rage prescription 1: Take yourself on a rage odyssey. Make yourself a 15-minute to 30-minute playlist of songs that have the ammunition to unleash anger through your body. Or dive into my rage playlist here on Spotify. Then give yourself some privacy and permission to go on a wild dance unleashing your rage at home. When you move, focus on unleashing the rage particularly through your pelvis, with hip shimmies, gyrating, hip circles, and thrusting. The more primal and wild you are, the more rage will be on your side, unleashing confidence, clarity and freedom.

Rage prescription 2: Join me on an emotional journey with joy, grief, rage, lust, and flirtation, all to the infectious sound of live drums when I lead a Femme! experience. Join my mailing list to hear about the next time I’ll be leading Femme! in the Bay Area.

******
How do you move through your anger so you can express it cleanly?

9 Comments on Discover A Safe Haven to Freedom by Unleashing Your Rage

  1. Indra
    February 3, 2016 at 11:41 am (7 years ago)

    Wonderful! Just wonderful!! I let myself feel my rage because i know it is a great healer for me. Every word you speak is true and more people need to acknowledge it x

  2. Jenn Sutkowski
    February 3, 2016 at 12:45 pm (7 years ago)

    I needed to read this! Thanks for sharing. I love the dancing of the rage idea. Totally going to do that. XO

    • Krista Kujat
      February 3, 2016 at 8:20 pm (7 years ago)

      So happy to hear this reached you Jenn & that you’re rocking it out… may it be delicious! xo

  3. Krista Kujat
    February 3, 2016 at 8:17 pm (7 years ago)

    Yes – rage is a potent healer !! Thank you so much for sharing your sentiment Indra, I’m happy to know it resonates xo

  4. cynthia spence
    February 5, 2016 at 5:23 pm (7 years ago)

    Rahhhhhhhhhhhhh! I love it! My poor neighbors 🙂

    • Krista Kujat
      February 6, 2016 at 4:12 am (7 years ago)

      ha!! Hopefully the neighbors find a way to appreciate your radiance, post raging 😀

  5. Ai Vuong
    February 8, 2016 at 6:17 am (7 years ago)

    Interesting read, Krista. I don’t think I’ve ever associated myself with ‘anger’ and ‘rage.’ I tend to feel sadness. Someone once told me that’s anger directed within. What do you think?

    • Krista Kujat
      February 8, 2016 at 9:58 pm (7 years ago)

      Hi Ai! I’m so glad you brought up the topic of sadness being anger directed within… I’m actually aching to write about this in a future blog. Since sadness is what we feel on the surface when there’s a deeper pain underneath, sadness can lead us to feel disempowered if we’ve never had the chance to release the pain underneath it fully. When you let yourself feel sadness or grief to the very center of that pain, you’ll notice anger will surface right behind it (pain always triggers anger… it’s the survival reaction to protecting ourselves from pain… and often pain and anger get repressed because both are uncomfortable to feel). Most importantly pain needs to be released and healed, to be free from sadness, and anger isn’t just a reaction to pain, but it’s a guide to consciously accessing our personal power. This is why it’s healthy and helpful to allow anger to be a catalyst for shifting the energy of sadness into powerful creative passion, and to accessing our personal power (even when you don’t normally identify with feeling anger!).

      • Krista Kujat
        February 8, 2016 at 9:58 pm (7 years ago)

        Some of us (myself included!) have been taught that it’s wrong to feel anger. It becomes second nature to repress anger and that starts to feels ‘normal’. Repressing anger is actually betraying a part of ourselves by not letting it be expressed, so we start to feel sad and disempowered by not expressing that our full truth. I’ve noticed the cycle perpetuates with the belief that we should be able to overcome our sadness by having a good attitude or putting on a happy face, but that’s when anger either becomes corrosive (unexpectedly or randomly venting it) or it becomes paralyzing (feeling that we have no choice to express it and spiraling into depression). When we haven’t given ourselves a chance to express anger over situation that caused us pain, it gets internalized into despairing unfairness, and surfaces as sadness….so you get the picture, it starts to turn into a cycle. If you identify with sadness, there are two things that can help to access the empowering ‘healthy anger’: letting yourself feel the deeper pain underneath sadness, releasing it, and then expressing the anger that emerges behind the pain. When you have a safe environment to express anger (not directed at someone or something, but just freeing the energy of it), it’ll kick your sense of empowerment and passion back into action, break through sadness and help you to consciously make choices that are empowering. If you feel drawn to get in touch with your ‘healthy anger’, letting yourself feel sadness to the core, and then letting anger surface just behind it, will help to shift the energy of sadness into empowering passion. I hope this is helpful! Please let me know if this make sense xo