How Anger Can Be Your Saving Grace Instead Of Your Next Disaster
We’ve all been there. Something our partner did or didn’t do has us frothing at the mouth or has our jaw locked with rage. Maybe it was not putting the toilet seat down that sent you off the handle. Maybe your partner giving special attention to another woman has you silently seething.
Whatever the reason, anger deserves respect. It can either destroy you with resentment, or it can serve to create the deeper intimacy and understanding. Anger needs to be expressed so that emotions can run freely again through your nervous system and through your sensuality. If you vent or repress anger, the segues in your body start to get confused about what feels right and wrong in your body. If you keep it inside, chances are your body will shut down.
Sex is always about emotions. Good sex is about free emotions; bad sex is about blocked emotions. ~ Deepak Chopra Click To Tweet
Your sense of self-trust and confidence decreases when you haven’t taken action to realign what feels right for you emotionally and create boundaries. Likewise, if you vent your anger and then have sex, you’ll continue to experience the feeling that “you’ve been wronged” and resentment could persist.
So how can you express anger clearly and directly without having it fester into resentment?
1. Take Time Out to Get Clear
The situation or your partner is showing you something about yourself, more than it’s showing you something about them. Once you have a better idea about what’s triggering your anger, you can take responsibility for it and communicate it more clearly without blame.
That means sitting with the uncomfortable feeling and asking yourself: What is this person doing that makes me angry, and how am I also doing that? OR what are they not doing, that I’m also not doing?
For example, if you feel underappreciated by your partner, ask yourself if you’ve been appreciating them? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt under appreciated, and then realize that I haven’t been appreciating my partner the way they deserve to be appreciated. Ask yourself what you’re faulting them for and ask yourself where you’ve also been doing that in your own life. If you feel like they haven’t respected you, where have you not respected yourself?
2. Move Emotions Through Your Body
Anger, just like any other emotion, is energy. Moving emotion through your body before talking it out gets you out of reaction mode and gets you out of obsessive thinking. Feeling strong emotions is also an opportunity to cleanse and heal the residue of our deeper wounds that have nothing to do with your partner.
Moving anger through your body also helps you get a clear picture about what you’re willing to accept and not willing to accept in relationships. This clarity will give you a natural ability to see where you can create healthy boundaries for yourself.
Learn how to unleash your rage in a safe haven here.
3. Love the Hurt Underneath
Underneath anger is hurt. Getting to the bottom of your anger enough to feel the hurt will eventually unearth self-compassion. Often our partners are not the ultimate source of the hurt. We’ve been hurt at some other time and our partner’s actions are only triggering that wound from the past.
When you learn to give love to the part of yourself that’s been hurt, you build a safe container within yourself to talk about your feelings from a vulnerable place, instead of from a place of feeling threatened and being on the defensive.
Your self-compassion will also anchor you in a conversation without blaming your partner, because you’ll be giving yourself what you need instead of expecting it from your partner.
This not only opens up emotional connection and emotional safety, it also opens up sensual segues in your body, which lead to more expressive and satisfying sex.
4. Release the Need to Find a Solution
Giving yourself permission to feel without coming up with a solution helps to keep you focused on the heart of the matter.
An ex-boyfriend of mine once read my journal. I was so angry that the chance to share intimate details of my thoughts on my own was taken away from me. If I had waited to come up with a solution to the problem, without him understanding the gravity of the impact it had on me, my anger would have been skipped over entirely. It would’ve gotten boxed up inside, and the chance for understanding would be lost because he would never have known how angry I was, and resentment would build.
Focusing on fixing the situation can easily lead to ultimatums and power plays about what the right and wrong solutions are. If you just keep focused on sharing your understanding of your own feelings, you’ll have a chance to deepen your intimacy with your partner. That doesn’t mean that you won’t talk about solutions, boundaries and needs, it just means that you can stay focused on understanding each other’s experiences first, before jumping to conclusions.
5. Keep the Focus on Your Experience
As brilliantly explained in the School of Life video, it’s so easy (and so human!) to blame the people closest to us, because there’s an intense investment in intimate relationships. We illogically conclude that this person who makes us feel loved also has the super-power to fix our problems. We often blindly hand over that responsibility to them.
To learn how to stop blaming your partner and have a constructive conversation, here are 5 Ways to Argue (The Healthy Way!).
Knowing yourself is the key to knowing how to love yourself within a relationship. Self-love is so much more than honestly expressing how you feel. It’s about knowing why you feel what you feel, and then expressing your desires, including how you’d like to love and be loved.
Anger has the ability to either destroy a relationship or to create understanding and intimacy. The clearer you can be about your side of the relationship, the more you’ll be able to communicate accurately, have deeper intimacy and enjoy more satisfying sex.
Let anger be your saving grace and not your next epic disaster!