I’d curated a self-proclaimed “Permission Slip” to get lost in the magic of tango, to write my book in cafes in Paris, and to chase northern lights in Iceland. Five countries in 6 weeks, all in devotion to my M.O.: Permission for Pleasure.
Carpe diem. Seize the moment. Live your life. Be Free.
And, if for nothing else, do it because you can.
Little did I know this 6-week pleasure trip would completely re-configure my notion of Permission and lead me to an important lesson.
A lesson on love & freedom.
While I was 3 weeks into my trip, this lesson hit me hard.
During 10 days in Argentina fighting bronchitis and one week in Norway mending from strep throat, my fantasies of pleasure evaded me. Physically weak and in pain, my day-to-day became about coping and just getting through it.
I know my body never lies.
Our bodies are constantly giving us messages, but especially “sickness” is the red alert to listen more deeply to the info. Time to slow down. Time to seriously put distractions and desires on hold.
So what was my body telling me?? And why NOW?
Let me first say, I love my freedom. And it’s taken me 43 years, quite a bit of grace and grit, and working smarter, not harder to design my ideal lifestyle. Traveling for 6 weeks to wherever I wanted! Hallelujah!
Freedom has been the main thread of my life: to be my own boss, to live where I choose, freedom to earn my own money, freedom to not answer to any authority, freedom to follow my creative desires, to do whatever I please with my Time….
And above all, freedom to follow my heart’s desires, to do what I love.
There’s also no denying that I’m at a once in a lifetime gateway: At 43 years old, I’m verging on the last frontier to make a deliberate choice about about becoming a mother.
The biggest non-reversible commitment a human being can make.
And the thought of the commitment threatened to hold my Freedom hostage.
As my desire for freedom and my desire for love were wrestling with each other, never has this distinction been more important to me, as now:
Freedom is doing what you want. Happiness is doing what you love. -Leonardo Nam
As I was engaging my free-spirited pleasures, I hadn’t forgotten that I intuitively felt something very strongly about love in my own life a few months earlier.
Some people are intuitive clairvoyantly (seeing things), or audiovoyant (hear things), or others as in my case, clairsentient (feel things). For clairsentients, intuition is specifically accessed through felt-senses in the body. If you’re reading this and thinking you’re not any of these intuitive mediums—think again! Everyone has the capacity for each of these intuitive mediums, and we all have one or two that come more naturally, it’s just a matter of tuning in and getting to know your senses.
No matter how you sense your intuition, if sensation segues are blocked in your body, the avenue for receiving intuition through your senses is very likely closed for biz. This is another reason why it’s so important to un-repress sexual energy, not only to break the ceiling for deservingness for pleasure and joy, but also to feel your intuition more clearly.
Especially important for making major life-altering decisions!
Back to the baby decision.
Collage Art by @indiaalexandraevans
While I was contemplating my various projects for the upcoming year, my body gave me a very clear feeling through my belly that I was full of birthing a quiet nurturing love. It was very different from the hormonal or primal sensation. The sensation was like a soul desire of giving a beautiful kind of love purely and unconditionally. When I received this information, it’s worth mentioning, I was in a fulfilling relationship with someone who was 90% sure he did not want to have children.
My situation was a major catalyst to digging deeper—to reach my true desire.
Desire. Life altering. Life affirming. Essential for Happiness.
You are more than your name, your frame, your DNA. You are more plenty than all the things you have given birth to…. I pray you realize your size in relation to the one universal declaration: I desire. -Danielle LaPorte
As I confronted the limitations of Time, and the fact I had a differing desire than my lover, there was no denying the CHOICE that was required of me:
How much do I want to become a Mom? And how far am I willing to go for it?
Just like discerning what’s real from fictitious fairytale fantasies of love, I believe if we all took time to truly consider the desire to be a parent, and be clear about whether the choice to have children is based on genuine desire or unconsciously based on fear (like the fear of missing out, fear of not being enough without children, or fear of not belonging, or fear of being alone, or fear of not being valued, etc.), the world would be in a more nurturing and loving place. When have kids for any of those fears, they tend to put unfair pressure on the kid to fill the thing they’re afraid of losing (like being valued). Not a cycle I want to contribute to if I can help it.
So during my quest to uncover my true DESIRE, I was half expecting I’d uncover some of these lurking fears, and it would free me from the desire from having a child.
A part of me hoped I would discover that being a mother was really not what I desired. Then I’d be free!
But it turns out, while I was sick and deficient of the pleasure and freedom I’d curated for myself, once again my body gave me the information I needed:
Like an addict chomps down on another bite of cake before they’ve swallowed the first bite, it became apparent I’d planned my riveting curriculum of experiences, for fear of losing something I have an insatiable appetite for: Freedom.
I realized I was chasing the experience of freedom for fear of losing freedom itself.
THAT was the thing clouding my clarity to move forward: Fear of losing freedom.
Then the second lightening bolt of clarity hit me, as I realized how many other things I’d done in my life for fear of losing freedom. Spending wonderfully pleasurable time in relationships that weren’t exactly in line with my bigger DESIRES were part of that list.
But the real gem that I got from my body when I was forced to stay still in bed day after day, while realizing all the ways I’d wasted time and energy by chasing freedom, was this:
Freedom can never be lost.
Freedom is a state of being.
It doesn’t matter what or who you decide to commit to. What matters is that you don’t let fear drive the bus and don’t let it hold you back from committing to something you truly desire.
This matters, because your Time is precious.
And there’s a Time when “I’ll do it because I can!” will no longer be sustainable. Or “It’ll happen when it’s meant to happen” won’t hold any ground. And “Why not?” will be challenged, because Time is finite and we must make choices.
The same holds true for wasting Time engaging pleasurable love relationships that don’t match your soul’s desire.
Whether it be for joy, love or lust, consider asking yourself these 5 questions before you carpe diem into your well-deserving pleasure:
1 – Are you choosing this pleasure because you’re afraid you’ll never get another chance?
2 – Are you afraid you won’t truly get what you want, so you might as well follow a whim?
3 – Are you distracting or protecting yourself from the fear of harboring the pain of disappointment and loss if you don’t get what you really want?
4 – Are you afraid of missing out if you don’t do this?
5 – Are you afraid of not being able to handle the challenges that may come along with the commitment?
If the answer is ‘yes’ to any of these questions, then ask yourself… is this pleasure you’re going for still the ultimate thing you choose to do with your Time?
Your Time is precious.
Prioritize your heart’s desires.
Choose your pleasure deliberately and courageously.
Then put faith in action.
Just like a blissful orgasm, that puts you on the verge on thinking, can this MUCH pleasure be possible, garnering the love and freedom in your own body is part of affirming that neither love nor freedom is ever something you can lose—because both love and freedom are ALWAYS inside of you. At all times.
Be the concierge of your body and your life.
Cherish the love & freedom that’s with you without having to chase it.
Know that you’re always free at heart. xo
Photo by Candace Smith