I have to be brutal about this.
We apologize for saying something ‘not quite right.’ We apologize in work situations “I’m sorry, I just meant, or I just wanted to say…”. We apologize for our appearances. We apologize for not being our fictitious versions of perfect. We apologize for our feelings. We apologize for being inconvenient or offensive… or just for being ourselves.
These apologies embedded in the preambles of our sentences are deep-seated. They come from those sinister beliefs somewhere and somehow that we’re not deserving, or not enough, to have what we desire and to be truly who we are without apology. Not always a quick fix.
If you want to know how to pull the plug on over-apologizing, while turning it into an uber satisfying game for yourself… read on.
Have you ever apologized in bed?
Ever noticed how each “sorry” prioritizes or prefaces an assumption about what your lover wants and needs, instead of simply stating the value to what you want and need?
“Sorry, I’m tired”
“Sorry, that’s not my thing”
“Sorry, that hurts” (!!)
“Sorry, I’m not good at this”
“Sorry, I need more lube”
“Sorry, I need you to slow down”
“Sorry, I like it rough”
“Sorry, that position isn’t working for me”
Once, I caught myself apologizing for wanting to change my position. I burst out laughing a few seconds later realizing how ridiculous it was. The thought going through my brain was that my lover might find it repetitive to go back to the previous position. The truth was, it was the last thing on his mind, he was in deep enjoyment regardless of position.
In that moment, I realized my habit of saying sorry was because I had his desires in mind more than mine.
Politeness is pounded into us. To be good. To be liked. To be accepted. To be loved.
Being born and raised as a Canadian, the politeness factor is amped up a notch. It’s practically a national code to be polite. Sorry this, and sorry that. I’m sorry I didn’t hear you. I’m sorry I didn’t know. I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better person so you would feel better about yourself. I’m sorry for everything so that you can never blame me for being a bad person.
Of course apologizing when we’ve made a mistake is different. But the truth is:
Apologizing for what you desire, feel, want, and need disrespects the most important person in your life: You!!
When you apologize for what you want, it gives others the message that you’re ‘at fault’ for what you need and desire. Then, when you don’t get what you want because you haven’t asked for it directly, it validates the feeling of unworthiness or makes you believe you need to maneuver other ways of getting what you want without being just straight up direct.
I know it’s not easy to break that code of feeling responsible for our partner’s feelings or fulfillment before our own, especially if our examples of couple-hood have been co-dependent (more on that in another blog), but there’s a fun and easy way to fix this.
The fastest way to honoring your needs and desires is to stop apologizing for them, and start requesting them!
When you request what you desire on a primal level in your sexual expression, it becomes effortless to ask for what you want in every area of life.
Give yourself permission.
Request your sexual desires.
Turn: “I’m sorry, I need you to slow down”
Into: “I want to feel your X slowly across/ in/ around my Y”
Into: “Tease me… Slowly… I want to feel… X, Y and Z”
Trust me, your bad-ass confidence will launch like fireworks into every relationship, every conversation, every project, and every labor of love beyond, because when you request your sexual desires, asking for what you want will sink into your muscle memory! Do you have a transformative talent for making desirous requests? Do tell! Share below.
When I promised myself I’d NEVER apologize in bed again (and I admit I’ve broken it a couple of times out of habit, but still), I found a whole new level of respect for simply being a woman, and for my brilliantly complex body to bring pleasure to myself and to others.
Make requests for your body’s cravings and your heart’s desires and may your apologies turn into mind-blowing gratitude that has nothing to do with being polite 😉
Have you caught yourself apologizing in bed? Do you relate to the sorry-syndrome?
I’d love to hear your own ah-ha’s with ‘saying sorry’ and share if you have any tricks and tips to shed the “sickness of sorry.” All Heart. © Krista Kujat