A friend recently said to me, “I can’t imagine you not having sex appeal.”
She didn’t know me when I was an awkward 21-year-old, scared as hell of sex.
In reality, my first time having sex wasn’t the horrific scene I’d imagined for years: excruciating pain, a bloody mess and prolific shame for having to admit that I didn’t know what I was doing. It was anti-climatic, if anything I thought “This is it? This is what all the hype is about?”. But the point is, sex in my mind was a foreign thing that would ‘happen’ to me, instead of something I felt I was an active participant in. And frankly, pleasure was the farthest thing from my mind.
Do you remember your first time? Pleasurable?
If you recall your first time, chances are some elements of that experience carried forward into future experiences. Perhaps voices in your head carried forward like “maybe they’ll think X if I do Y”? Maybe your desire to enjoy sex became an experimental charade on how to look like you knew what you were doing?
It’s amazing there’s so little education around pleasurable sex, aside from the general understanding to “have protected sex” or provocative articles in Cosmo magazine about how to please a man. What about the tutelage on “how to enjoy your own sexual pleasure deeply”?
It actually requires a tremendous focus to tune into your body’s unique intelligence.
It’s a consistent, intentional practice in becoming so present to your senses that your pleasure becomes unconditional. Now, that’s the kind of tutelage that would be helpful for first times and every times.
Let’s put it this way. My relationship to ‘sexy’ has changed.
It changed when I understood that feeling sexy has absolutely nothing to do with how others, including your lover, perceive you.
Real deal sexy is about feeling at home in your own skin and owning the privilege to experience pleasure. When that happens, we naturally broadcast real deal sexy.
Trying to “look sexy”… or trying on sassy clothes… or trying a bold sexual act still doesn’t get that deep satisfaction of sexy if the sensual connection to pleasure is cut off:
[bctt tweet=”Real deal sexy comes from the inside out.”]
Real deal sexy is when we express pleasure through our own skin.
Real deal sexy is when arousal breathes and radiates through every pore.
Real deal sexy is when you walk with a shameless swagger.
Real deal sexy is discovering your own sensual nature.
Real deal sexy is knowing what turns us on.
Real deal sexy is knowing we deserve pleasure.
Real deal sexy is voicing our desires.
Real deal sexy is not being “acceptably sexy.”
Real deal sexy is not doing what makes you feel sexy with conditions of “too inappropriate” or “too provocative” or “too offensive” or “too x y z.”
Real deal sexy is not “being sexy” to get attention, to be liked or to be noticed.
Real deal sexy isn’t doing something that turns someone else on.
Real deal sexy is simply accepting you’re a creature who is built to shamelessly enjoy sex.
So go on.
Don’t think about looking sexy.
Don’t even try to be sexy.
Just give yourself permission to discover what turns you on.
And express it from the inside out.
© Krista Kujat