5 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Pleasure Derails you from Getting What you Truly Desire

I’d curated a self-proclaimed “Permission Slip” to get lost in the magic of tango, to write my book in cafes in Paris, and to chase northern lights in Iceland. Five countries in 6 weeks, all in devotion to my M.O.: Permission for Pleasure.

Carpe diem. Seize the moment. Live your life. Be Free.

And, if for nothing else, do it because you can.

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Little did I know this 6-week pleasure trip would completely re-configure my notion of Permission and lead me to an important lesson.

A lesson on love & freedom.
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How To Find Sexual Surrender Through Perfectionism

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Photo credit: Pintrest Darkness Falls

Today I surrender.

Do you know the feeling of needing to do more, to the point of butchering your original desire & inspiration?

If yes, I feel you.

I’ve struggled insanely with perfectionism for too much of my life.

It’s stifled my creativity, it’s stopped me from speaking up, and it’s stopped me from being able to let go of control… and drop into orgasm.

If you’ve suffered from perfectionism, you know, as I know, that it’s the ultimate self-sabotaging device.

It makes you believe you need to work harder, do more, cover all bases, to have several backup plans, to orchestrate several support systems to run smoothly. It exhausts you, and your efforts never match your anticipated result. Which leaves you wanting to give up.
Abandon ship. Sabotage.

Please lean in, I need to tell you something.

There’s a very tender, soft, vulnerable, palpable beauty inside of you. Unconscious armors built up around your internal beauty when you perfect, and they are aching to be released.
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Do You Know How To Feel Real Deal Sexy?

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A friend recently said to me, “I can’t imagine you not having sex appeal.”
She didn’t know me when I was an awkward 21-year-old, scared as hell of sex.

In reality, my first time having sex wasn’t the horrific scene I’d imagined for years: excruciating pain, a bloody mess and prolific shame for having to admit that I didn’t know what I was doing.  It was anti-climatic, if anything I thought “This is it? This is what all the hype is about?”.  But the point is, sex in my mind was a foreign thing that would ‘happen’ to me, instead of something I felt I was an active participant in. And frankly, pleasure was the farthest thing from my mind.

Do you remember your first time? Pleasurable?

If you recall your first time, chances are some elements of that experience carried forward into future experiences. Perhaps voices in your head carried forward like “maybe they’ll think X if I do Y”? Maybe your desire to enjoy sex became an experimental charade on how to look like you knew what you were doing?

It’s amazing there’s so little education around pleasurable sex, aside from the general understanding to “have protected sex” or provocative articles in Cosmo magazine about how to please a man. What about the tutelage on “how to enjoy your own sexual pleasure deeply”?

It actually requires a tremendous focus to tune into your body’s unique intelligence.
It’s a consistent, intentional practice in becoming so present to your senses that your pleasure becomes unconditional. Now, that’s the kind of tutelage that would be helpful for first times and every times.

Let’s put it this way. My relationship to ‘sexy’ has changed.

It changed when I understood that feeling sexy has absolutely nothing to do with how others, including your lover, perceive you.

Real deal sexy is about feeling at home in your own skin and owning the privilege to experience pleasure. When that happens, we naturally broadcast real deal sexy.

Trying to “look sexy”… or trying on sassy clothes… or trying a bold sexual act still doesn’t get that deep satisfaction of sexy if the sensual connection to pleasure is cut off:

Real deal sexy comes from the inside out. Click To Tweet

Real deal sexy is when we express pleasure through our own skin.

Real deal sexy is when arousal breathes and radiates through every pore.

Real deal sexy is when you walk with a shameless swagger.

Real deal sexy is discovering your own sensual nature.

Real deal sexy is knowing what turns us on.

Real deal sexy is knowing we deserve pleasure.

Real deal sexy is voicing our desires.

Real deal sexy is not being “acceptably sexy.”

Real deal sexy is not doing what makes you feel sexy with conditions of “too inappropriate” or “too provocative” or “too offensive” or “too x y z.”

Real deal sexy is not “being sexy” to get attention, to be liked or to be noticed.

Real deal sexy isn’t doing something that turns someone else on.

Real deal sexy is simply accepting you’re a creature who is built to shamelessly enjoy sex.

So go on.

Don’t think about looking sexy.

Don’t even try to be sexy.

Just give yourself permission to discover what turns you on.

And express it from the inside out.

© Krista Kujat


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Can You Tell The DIfference Between Your Sensuality and Your Sexuality?

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Do you feel connected to your sensuality even when it’s not sexual?  

What if your sensual pleasures were so fulfilling that sexual pleasure was just one of the many results that comes with being satisfied moment to moment?  

Sensuality and sexuality are often lumped into the same category, but actually, the two are very different qualities.  Sensual is not always sexual.

Sensuality is our ability to feel pleasurable sensation through all of our senses: touch, scent, taste, and sound. While being in tune with our sensations, often connects us to our primal sexual nature it’s equally important to note that it’s the gateway to experiencing to the pure bliss of our inner being.

In order to experience our sensuality, we need to be focused on the physical sensations that we’re experiencing, which means being present to our physical experience as we’re present to our emotional experience.  Otherwise we default to the mechanics of using our bodies as utilitarian machines.   It’s the difference between rubbing soap on our bodies to get clean, or to rub soap on our bodies to feel the soft supple decadence of silky soap gliding over one of the most sensitive organs of our body: the skin.

Sex without sensuality is very similar.   Have you ever felt like the buttons on your body were being pushed and prodded to get a desired response?  Aiming for the physiological result of getting you wet?  Meanwhile, the pleasure of each nuance of sensations is missed? 

Our bodies are like a GPS system. Our sensuality is similar to the wires that connect to our internal calibration system–our intuitive soul. On the other end, the wires are plugged into the battery pack–our sexual life-giving energy.

Our sensuality is therefore the bridge between our sexual satisfaction and our soul satisfaction.

The pleasure of running our fingers over our own skin, the texture of fur, or the taste of melted chocolate on our tongues sends endorphins and stimulates the pleasure center of our brain. It stimulates our physical ability to receive pleasure while it also stimulates our emotional ability to feel happy and blissful from ecstatic sensations.

The experience of sensuality is to feel and embrace pleasure, however that pleasure might feel, moment to moment, whether or not sexual turn on is part of the equation.

Sexuality, on the other hand, is our primal physiological ability to create life-giving energy. Sexual energy is not only useful for procreation and for pleasure, but it also connects us to feeling at home in our own skin. Having our sexual energy activated is our most naturally alive state in our human bodies.

Sexual is not always sensual.

A person can be tapped into their sex drive, but they may not be present with their sensuality at all.

Being connected to our sexual energy doesn’t always let us tap into the same emotional bliss that we feel when we’re tapped into our sensuality. Experiencing physical release through orgasm doesn’t necessarily mean there’s a connection to sensuality.

When the connection to sensuality is missing, the experience of pleasure is limited to a physical release, and bypasses the spiritual and emotional state of ecstasy.

When we understand this distinction, it’s easy to see the role that sensuality has in helping us to feel fulfilled in life, as well as to experience ecstatic, blissful sex.

How can we deepen our sensual experiences so we can feel more fulfilled not just by sex, but by life?

  1. Practice focusing your mind on the sensations you’re experiencing. 
    Notice each sensation without judgment. This will get you out of your head and into your body so your body can have the experience without judgment.
  2. Let yourself feel your emotions while you’re focused on those sensations.
    So many emotions are held inside of your pelvis, in your hips, in your ass, and inside your vagina. Allow your sensations to release your emotions. When you’re connected to your sensuality, you can consciously release the day-to-day stress that you hold. By releasing this emotional tension, your body opens up to receive more pleasure. It also frees you to be more authentically connected to your emotional truth, which helps you experience greater pleasure during sex because it creates a connection first, with yourself, so you can then express that emotional truth with touch or with words to your partner.
  3. Give yourself permission to receive more pleasure.
    We often limit ourselves to what we think our bodies are capable of, or what we’ve been able to experience in the past, which can lead our bodies to physically shut down. As you’re focusing on the sensations you’re experiencing, repeat this to yourself:
    I deserve to receive pleasure. This will take your mind off of what you’re feeling or not feeling, and how long it’s taking, or what your partner’s experience is. Focusing on receiving pleasure takes away the notion of having “to do” something.  Feeling deserving of pleasure without having to do anything for it, invites more relaxation into your body and can often free belief patterns that you may hold unconsciously around not being worthy. 

Do you feel connected to your sensuality even when it’s not sexual?

What if your sensual pleasure was so fulfilling that sexual pleasure was just one of the many results that comes with being satisfied moment to moment?

© Krista Kujat


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Why Sorry Isn’t Sexy

Black And White Art Portrait Of Sexy Female Model With Red Lips

I have to be brutal about this.

Women over-apologize.

We apologize for saying something ‘not quite right.’ We apologize in work situations “I’m sorry, I just meant, or I just wanted to say…”. We apologize for our appearances. We apologize for not being our fictitious versions of perfect. We apologize for our feelings. We apologize for being inconvenient or offensive… or just for being ourselves.

These apologies embedded in the preambles of our sentences are deep-seated. They come from those sinister beliefs somewhere and somehow that we’re not deserving, or not enough, to have what we desire and to be truly who we are without apology. Not always a quick fix.

If you want to know how to pull the plug on over-apologizing, while turning it into an uber satisfying game for yourself… read on.

Have you ever apologized in bed?

Ever noticed how each “sorry” prioritizes or prefaces an assumption about what your lover wants and needs, instead of simply stating the value to what you want and need?

“Sorry, I’m tired”

“Sorry, that’s not my thing”

“Sorry, that hurts” (!!)

“Sorry, I’m not good at this”

“Sorry, I need more lube”

“Sorry, I need you to slow down”

“Sorry, I like it rough”

“Sorry, that position isn’t working for me”

Once, I caught myself apologizing for wanting to change my position. I burst out laughing a few seconds later realizing how ridiculous it was. The thought going through my brain was that my lover might find it repetitive to go back to the previous position. The truth was, it was the last thing on his mind, he was in deep enjoyment regardless of position.

In that moment, I realized my habit of saying sorry was because I had his desires in mind more than mine.

Politeness is pounded into us. To be good. To be liked. To be accepted. To be loved.

Being born and raised as a Canadian, the politeness factor is amped up a notch. It’s practically a national code to be polite. Sorry this, and sorry that. I’m sorry I didn’t hear you. I’m sorry I didn’t know. I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better person so you would feel better about yourself. I’m sorry for everything so that you can never blame me for being a bad person.

Of course apologizing when we’ve made a mistake is different. But the truth is:

Apologizing for what you desire, feel, want, and need disrespects the most important person in your life: You!!

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When you apologize for what you want, it gives others the message that you’re ‘at fault’ for what you need and desire. Then, when you don’t get what you want because you haven’t asked for it directly, it validates the feeling of unworthiness or makes you believe you need to maneuver other ways of getting what you want without being just straight up direct.

I know it’s not easy to break that code of feeling responsible for our partner’s feelings or fulfillment before our own, especially if our examples of couple-hood have been co-dependent (more on that in another blog), but there’s a fun and easy way to fix this.

The fastest way to honoring your needs and desires is to stop apologizing for them, and start requesting them!

When you request what you desire on a primal level in your sexual expression, it becomes effortless to ask for what you want in every area of life.

Give yourself permission.

Stop apologizing and start requesting. Click To Tweet

Request your sexual desires.

Turn:  “I’m sorry, I need you to slow down”

Into:  “I want to feel your X slowly across/ in/ around my Y”
or
Into: “Tease me…  Slowly… I want to feel… X, Y and Z”

Trust me, your bad-ass confidence will launch like fireworks into every relationship, every conversation, every project, and every labor of love beyond, because when you request your sexual desires, asking for what you want will sink into your muscle memory! Do you have a transformative talent for making desirous requests? Do tell! Share below.

When I promised myself I’d NEVER apologize in bed again (and I admit I’ve broken it a couple of times out of habit, but still), I found a whole new level of respect for simply being a woman, and for my brilliantly complex body to bring pleasure to myself and to others.

Make requests for your body’s cravings and your heart’s desires and may your apologies turn into mind-blowing gratitude that has nothing to do with being polite 😉

Have you caught yourself apologizing in bed? Do you relate to the sorry-syndrome?

I’d love to hear your own ah-ha’s with ‘saying sorry’ and share if you have any tricks and tips to shed the “sickness of sorry.”  All Heart.  © Krista Kujat


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Do You Know Beauty is Felt, not Seen?

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“Beauty is in the transitions.” My tango teacher said this to me when I couldn’t sense whether he was leading me forward or back. In fact, it was a long pregnant move forward that he was giving me space for. Once again, I love what tango teaches me about life.

Beauty is born from the moments when we don’t know what’s next… when we need to listen so sensitively… when we need to move so slowly and gently or we’ll be thrown off balance completely. The transition requires our complete and entire attention… like getting to know a new lover through their embrace before a kiss. And the same is true when we move through any unknown and don’t know what’s on the other side, we need to treat ourselves equally sensitively.

In between moving forward and being suspended in limbo, listen deliberately. Move slowly.

Notice every small surrender along the way and follow the law of gravity with slow, astute attention.

True Beauty is felt, not seen, spoken or instructed. Click To Tweet

© Krista Kujat


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How to Be Real Respectfully

Porcelain Rose

Ever feel like you’re talking to an alien when you express your feelings to your partner/lover?
Um, yeah, I’ve been there.

I used to explain and explain and explain my feelings. Nothing would land until I was pushed to the point of frustrated tears.

If you relate to this, before you blame your partner for being an alien, ask yourself:

Why do you feel the need to explain?

Forget ‘Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars’.

Out beyond the ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field I'll meet you there. - Rumi Click To Tweet

Here’s what I didn’t understand, and learned the hard way.

You never need to explain your feelings.

“I feel” is enough.

It’s not your job to come up with a solution.

It’s not your job to try to overcome feelings.

It’s not your job to feel guilty about how you feel.

It’s not your job to justify what you feel.

It’s not your job to fix your feelings.

It’s not your job to fix or take care of anyone else’s feelings.

Your only job is to feel your feelings. Know your feelings. Express your feelings.

And not blame anyone in the process.

That’s Respect.

© Krista Kujat


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How To Find Healing With Your Sexual Tears

Holy Couple

Sex can teach us so much about ourselves. Seriously.

It teaches us where, when and why we hold back voicing our emotions, our experience, and asking for what we need.

More than anything it teaches us how to let go of everything we don’t need.

Have you ever been in the middle of sex and you can’t feel pleasure, all you feel is discomfort?

You adjust your body, you change your position, you persist through the discomfort, and maybe you even endure the discomfort because you know you need and WANT sex as much as your partner does. But it’s just not happening. You’re not feeling it. Zero pleasure.

Your partner notices, and stops to check in. You don’t want to stop, but you also don’t really want to keep going. The friction is more acute now. It could be your head space. It could be your body wasn’t warmed up. It could be you’re close to your period and your body is more sensitive than usual. It could be any number of things. But all you know at that moment is that it’s off. You know it. And your partner knows it.

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Dear lady, I’ve been there.

I was once so looking forward to having sex with my lover after we hadn’t seen each other in a while. We both wanted it. Needed it. But when he was inside and the friction felt increasingly irritable instead of pleasurable, we stopped. I apologized, for my disappointment and for his.

My lover said, it’s ok, it happens.

I didn’t want it to be happening.

My lover said, “I hope I didn’t do anything to upset you.”

“No, you didn’t,” I said. “I think my body wasn’t warmed up enough.”

It was really that simple.

Yet meanwhile my head jumped to “what’s wrong?” and then jumped to “I want to fix this.” When our bodies tell us what we need, our minds make up stories about “something being off or wrong”, when its really as simple as fulfilling a physiological need and asking for it.

The clitoris is a woman’s main sex organ (not the vagina, as many, including myself assumed for years). With 8,000 nerve endings, the clit needs to be played with for at least 20 minutes in order for most women to feel pleasure (let alone orgasm) from penetration.

Even knowing this, the Wonder Wheel of my mind whirled into being disappointed with my body when she didn’t respond the way I wanted her to.

Our bodies are geniuses. All we need to do is just slow down, listen, speak our truth and Let Go of our agendas! Click To Tweet

Listen to your body.

Hear her.

Then give her a voice.

Communicate. Yes. Communicate even if you don’t know how and what to say. Just share something (anything!) that your body feels in that moment.

In that moment when I told my lover how my body was feeling, I cried tears of frustration. That’s the release my body was truly craving!

After shedding my tears, my body immediately opened again.

NOW she was available. Now she was receptive to pleasure.

© Krista Kujat



Finding The Turn On That’s in Your Hands: A Sensual Affair With Yourself

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Photo by Lori Berkowitz.  Accessories & Lingerie: Maison Close.

What turns you on?

It’s surprising how many don’t know the answer to this question.

I was certainly in the category of not knowing for a long time.

How do you get to know what turns you on, independently from your past experience and your lover?

Can I tell you my personal secret turn-on?

Lingerie.

It’s not about how you look in it, it’s about how you give yourself permission to explore how you feel in it. When you do that, it’s a total game changer for sensual satisfaction.

It’s one of the most direct ways of knowing your erotic nature, and helps you get in touch with what turns you on, if you can just break through the common brain chatter:

“Will it even matter if I wear it?” “This is ridiculous, I can’t pull this off.” “Will it turn him on?” “He probably doesn’t even care.” “Ugh, nothing fits.” “I can’t afford this anyway.” “This is the last thing I should be spending money on.” “If it fits and does the job, who cares if it turns me on?” “No one is going to see it anyway.” “This is so self-indulgent.” Yep. I know those thoughts. I would think those thoughts every time, and then I put on a go-to plain jane bra.

Here’s how you can zap those thoughts.

Ask yourself:

What turns you on?

Maybe it’s not lingerie for you, it may be something else. The point is, whatever turns you on is worth your time, attention and energy. If you don’t know what turns you on, you’ll continue to feel frustrated or unsatisfied because you won’t know how to give yourself what you need to feel connected to your erotic nature. Being connected with your erotic nature gives you a sense of feeling at home in your skin, vitality, confidence, and it strengthens your sense of deservingness.

Take sensual turn-on into your own hands.

What sensations make you feel titillated?

What’s the most intimate expression of yourself sensually?

What’s both beautiful and sexy for you?

What makes you feel adorned?

When you choose what makes you FEEL sexy, instead of what makes you “look” sexy, you’ll feel turned on no matter where you are or who you’re with.

When you give yourself permission to feel turned on, the default of wanting to please others vanishes, and it empowers you to love yourself with pleasure.

 We’re sexual, sentient and sensual beings. That’s how we feel and express the beauty and love that’s already inside of us, without looking for it outside of ourselves.

Think about the last time you felt sexy.

Did you put limits on your ability to feel sexy with “acceptable beauty” and “acceptable sexy”?

The key to breaking through a preconceived idea about what is acceptably sexy is to give yourself permission to tap more into your senses.

Your inner beauty opens through sensation and lives and breathes through your sexual energy.   

It’s time to redefine sexy.

Forget the Victoria’s Secret billboards. Forget thinking about what clothes you should and shouldn’t wear. Forget about “trying” to turn on your lover, forget about the quiet whispers in your brain that squelch your sensual self-expression with “too provocative”, “not sexy enough”, or “ridiculous and silly.”

Give yourself the privilege you deserve and start focusing on what turns you on. 

If we all give ourselves more of that permission everyday to find and feel what turns us on, the world will be a happier place because we’ll all feel a little more free.

The only person who needs to give you permission is you.

What feels sexy for you today?

Take yourself on a date. Maybe to a lingerie store. Maybe some other place that turns you on. Try on different bras, playsuits and accessories. You don’t need to buy anything. The purpose is to notice how it feels. This is your own personal erotica experiment to get to know what turns you on. It’s about being able to have those sensations in your body as an anchor to what feels good, right and true. Notice what you’re attracted to in yourself. Then adorn yourself.

When you’re in the fitting room of a lingerie shop, and the silk of a crimson robe slides across your shoulder, what do you feel?

What do you feel when your breasts are lifted in the ultimate push-up bra, spilling out of the cups?

When your nipples peek through porous lace, what do you feel?

Take note of all the pleasurable sensations. Use those sensations as an anchor to bring in your sensual expression.

Remember, sensation is part of your natural born erotic essence. Click To Tweet

© Krista Kujat

Need some inspiration?  Visit my board here.

Favorite Stores for Exploring Sensual Luxury:

New York:
Kiki de Montparnasse
Agent Provocateur
Sugar Cookies

San Francisco:
Aricie
Dark Garden

Paris:
La Dame 2 Coeurs
Dollhouse
Alice Cadolle

Online Stores:
Nancy Meyer
Mio Destino
Tatu Couture
Maison Close



Thank you Body

RosePetalsPhoto by Candace Smith

Thank you, Body—for your soft lusciousness, for your fullest expression of all and everything or nothing at all, for pulsing through pain and pleasure, for seasoning me with every crevice of truth, for urging brilliance to peek through dark tunnels of my brain, for being my friend & my eternal companion, for your undying devotion to letting me feel alive, for sweating, for crying, for laughing, for rejoicing, for holding my soul, for letting my soul breathe through you when there are no words or reasons, for letting me drop deep within or explode with ferocity, for always indulging me with the lusty chambers of desire, for being the cushion of my pains, for being the custodian of my heart, for being my most wise informant and private eye; for being succulent, insatiable; for always thirsting for breath; for being absorbent, even when my thoughts are cruel; for being a deeply reliant ally in my dreams, for giving me the delight of drinking pleasure through your pores… Thank you.

What did you thank your body for today?


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